


The Funny Thing Is

by bioticbootyshaker



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Gen, M/M, Safe For Work, for spicyshimmy, gen - Freeform, giftfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-30
Updated: 2012-08-30
Packaged: 2017-11-13 04:10:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/499317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bioticbootyshaker/pseuds/bioticbootyshaker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaidan and Shepard finally understand just what it means to be together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Funny Thing Is

**Author's Note:**

  * For [spicyshimmy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/spicyshimmy/gifts).



It had taken him years to understand. Years of worrying himself sick and making a fool of himself and swallowing his pride and burying his heart under duty and responsibility. Now, though, Kaidan finally did understand, and it all came from watching Shepard sitting there with his arms folded over his middle and his shoulders hunched. 

“You know,” Kaidan said, “I get it now.”

“What’s that?” Shepard asked.

“It’s not about falling down and getting back up. It’s not about trying your best but falling short. It’s not even about being in love with someone and thinking they look the best when they smile. I think... what it’s about is the _doing._ ”

“Profound,” Shepard said, looking up at Kaidan and smiling. “Must be pretty deep, because I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Yes he did, but Kaidan let him pretend he didn’t. 

“When I say it’s about the doing,” Kaidan murmured, cupping Shepard’s face in his hands, “What I mean is it’s about _living_. That-- That doesn’t mean the same to other people as it does to me. For some people... I mean it could be something as simple as a movie they haven’t seen yet or a song they haven’t heard. It could be bigger like going somewhere new and being free.. It could be in-between.”

“In between music and being free,” Shepard chuckled, “What, Kaidan? A steak sandwich?”

Kaidan smirked. “Well, yeah. That’s in-between. And if a person hasn’t had a steak sandwich they’ve kinda been wasting their lives. But---”

Shepard took Kaidan’s hand and pressed his lips against his palm. Yes, that was what it was about. Not the loving of someone, but the needing, the wanting. The slow burn in your chest where you thought you might die without them. No one had the words to say that, not even Shepard, and he’d always been pretty good with speeches. When it came right down to it, Kaidan didn’t think it even needed saying. Shepard understood. The slight graze of his lips against Kaidan’s palm and the feel of his breath against his skin proved he understood.

“It’s Garrus doing calibrations and James knocking the punching bag around,” Kaidan said. “It’s Steve scrubbing down the Hammerhead even when he knows he just did it the night before. It’s all of us doing what we do, day after day, no matter what might be out there waiting for us. No matter if we have a chance or... I don’t know. Okay. It’s like this---”

_That’s not happy dancing_ , Joker had said, _That’s forget-your-problems dancing._

Shepard had handled his fair share of people who wanted to close their eyes and plug their ears and pretend that the end wasn’t coming. He had never had that luxury and neither had Kaidan. None of them had. There was a difference between being blind to something and wanting to forget it for a little while. Everyone on the Normandy had their jobs to do, big and small, and those jobs were what kept them sane. They were what kept them from falling into the abyss that waited for them just over the horizon.

“It’s you and me, right here,” Kaidan whispered. He moved down to his knees and kept his eyes steady on Shepard’s. Shepard never noticed how dark those eyes were, how they seemed to go on forever. He could lose himself there if he wasn’t careful, and then he realized he already had and decided to enjoy drifting inside of them. “It’s... wanting to try, to, to tell you that I--- That even if we don’t, that if we can’t---”

“Kaidan,” Shepard said, pressing his thumb over Kaidan’s lips. “Stop.”

Shepard moved his thumb to the corner of Kaidan’s mouth. It was easier to kiss him that way.

***

There were some things no one else would ever know. Like how Shepard could be a mountain of a man -- able to stand up against Collectors and Geth and Banshees and Reapers without flinching -- who happened to crumble when a kiss was placed in the right spot and with the right amount of pressure. 

Right behind his ear as it turned out. It only took Kaidan a lot of years and a lot practice to find it. 

Shepard was flesh and bone... mostly. Kaidan didn’t know what Cerberus had done when they’d pieced him back together, but the point was he was still _human_. He shivered when he was cold and he bled when he got shot and he flushed when Kaidan slipped closer and nibbled his ear. 

There were some things no one else needed to know. Like how two men could go their whole lives thinking and feeling one way, and then there was something to fight for, something tangible, in their hands and in the darkness, that they couldn’t let go of and everything changed. 

“You know,” Kaidan said, “I want to... make a revision to what I said earlier, if I can.”

Shepard traced his fingers down Kaidan’s spine, grunting against his hair. 

“Maybe it’s not about the living at all. Maybe it’s just about having something to live _for_. I mean, hey, I was alive before I knew you, Shepard. But then---well, I really wasn’t.”

Shepard smiled into Kaidan’s hair, even though his chest hurt and there was something in his eyes. Not tears, no, most likely dust. 

“The funny thing is, Kaidan,” Shepard said, “I wasn’t really alive before you, either.”

It was another thing no one else needed to know.

**Author's Note:**

>  **Title:** The Funny Thing Is  
>  **Word Count:** 931  
>  **Fandom:** Mass Effect  
>  **Pairing:** Mshenko (Kaidan/Male Shepard)  
>  **Disclaimer:** Mass Effect (c) Bioware  & EA
> 
> Written for spicyshimmy for her birthday. :)


End file.
